Frequently Asked Questions
Questions regarding Jewish customs and traditions
Questions & Answers
How soon after death should a monument be ordered?
Monuments should be ordered about two months after the burial, since it requires considerable time to manufacture. The granite must first be quarried, after which it goes through many processes. However, the most time consuming element in the erection of a monument is the building of the foundation.
The winter months prevent the construction of foundations because concrete cannot be mixed during freezing weather. If an unveiling is planned for the early spring, arrange to purchase the monument no later than early November. The foundation can then be finished during December before the frost sets in. Foundation construction is usually halted in winter until late March or April after the ground has thawed out. The average time is two to four months for the memorial to be in place at the gravesite.
Does Jewish custom permit the visiting of the cemetery before the erection of a monument?
Most rabbis advise that the unveiling should be the first occasion for visiting the grave. A more liberal opinion expressed by some rabbis is that extenuating circumstances can exist to warrant visiting an unmarked grave. It is a custom among Orthodox Jews to seek spiritual guidance from a visit to the grave of a deceased parent or spouse. Should such an occasion arise prior to the erection of the monument, a rabbi may be consulted to gain permission to visit the grave. This is called "asking a shalah."
When is it best to order a double grave monument or a single grave monument?
If there is a reserved grave adjacent to the burial, a double monument is preferable. In addition to giving assurance to the survivor that the reserved burial site will not accidentally be used for another burial, there is some comfort in the knowledge that it is at the side of one's lifelong companion.
On good rabbinical authority, it is permissible to be buried at the site of a double stone even if there is a remarriage.
Other situations where double monuments are used are:
For two unmarried sisters, for a mother and daughter, for a father and son, for a mother and son, or for two brothers.
The sentiment "united in life-inseparable forever" is fulfilled in the selection of a double monument.
If a double monument is purchased and the surviving spouse remarries, may he or she be buried beside the first wife or husband?
According to Hebrew custom the first marriage is the significant one, especially if there were children from this marriage. If a double stone is erected and the place reserved for the surviving spouse whose expressed wish is to be buried on the site of the first wife or husband, the wish must be granted. According to Biblical precedent Jacob had four wives but was buried next to Leah, his first wife.
In most cases the second marriage is of much shorter duration than the first and childless.
Secondly, the motives are based on desire for companionship rather than rearing a family, so that ties are less significant. This justifies burial next to the first spouse.
The ties of the first marriage are deep-rooted and there are many instances where famous rabbis have remarried and they observed yahrzeit for the first wife their remaining days. With their second wife's consent and knowledge they visit the first wife's grave annually with appropriate prayers.
What facts and information should you take with you when purchasing a monument?
The following is a list of information you should have with you when purchasing a monument:
1. The name of the cemetery where it is to be delivered.
2. The name of the congregation that sold you the grave.
3. The correct English name of the deceased.
4. The correct birthday.
5. The day of death and hour of the day.
6. The age (if the birthday is not exact).
7. The relationship to the family (Ex: should a monument for a young husband also say "dear son, brother"), even if purchased solely by the widow.
8. Was the deceased (men only) a Koen, or a Levi or an Israelite.
9. Do you want an emblem such as Masonic, Knights of Pythias, or Eastern Star on the monument. A caduceus for a doctor.
10. The deceased Hebrew name (not Yiddish).
11. The deceased father's Hebrew name (not the mother's).
12. Any Hebrew name given during life, as during severe illness and recovery.
13. Do you want some expressive epitaph such as: "Forever in Our Hearts," "Forever Cherished," "Loved by All."
Why do Jewish monuments bear the Hebrew name of the deceased's father and not mother?
This custom originated in biblical times before the adoption of family names. At that time when it was not uncommon for a man to have more than one wife, it established the identity of the father for heredity purposes and to carry on the lineage. To place the mother's name on the monument instead, is to imply a question as to the legitimacy of birth or the identity of the father.
What is the meaning of the different symbols used on monuments: lions, candelabra, Star of David, two hands, water pitcher, etc.?
The most frequently used symbol on a monument for a man is the Star of David. On a monument for a Koen the symbol of the two hands with thumbs and forefingers touching and on a monument of a Levi the symbol of a pitcher of pouring water are traditional.
The lion is the "Lion of Judah" - a symbol of courage, strength and superiority and carved on the shields and banners of warriors in battle. They gradually found their way into the temples of worship and were carved in relief over the cabinet where the Torah was held.
There are emblems of fraternal organizations such as: compass and square (Masonic emblem), three links (Old Fellows), shield and helmet (Knights of Pythias), etc. For Medical men the caduceus, etc.
On a woman's monument the menorah or sabbath candelabra is most frequently used. This has five lights. The candelabra of the temple has seven lights and may be used on a family monument or mausoleum as a symbol of Judaism. The broken tree is a symbol of departed youth, male or female and is used in various ways on monuments for young people.
On a child's monument we frequently see the figure of a lamb or bird, both symbols of innocence, purity and gentleness.
Is there any significance to the custom of putting a pebble on the monument when visiting a grave? What is the origin of the custom?
According to the Bible the first monuments were merely mounds of stones or insides of natural rock caves as the graves of Abraham and Isaac. The early Hebrews were nomadic tribes and shepherds and were not skilled in the arts of quarrying and stone carving until their contacts with Babylon and Egypt.
It was the custom when passing by a mound of stones marking a grave to deposit one from the vicinity that may have fallen off. This became interpreted as a mark of thoughtfulness and regard for the memory of the departed one. These mounds of heavy rocks served to guard the graves from predatory beasts and grave robbers.
Is a Koen allowed to visit a cemetery?
Since a Koen is a descendant of the high priests of Israel he may not defile himself by visiting a burial place. Cemeteries, according to tradition, harbor the souls of worthy and unworthy persons and while the living body keeps the unworthy soul in restraint, it roams unchecked in the burial places. The only exception is to visit the cemetery for the burial of a close blood kin. Even then he never approaches closer than about six feet. After the burial he may not visit the grave again but must stay outside the cemetery if accompanying family.
This ritual does not apply to the daughter of a Koen, as she does not inherit the lineage.
How soon after death should an unveiling be held?
Although it has been the general custom to unveil the monument around the eleventh month after death, with the completion of the Kaddish, Orthodox Jews frequently have their unveiling any time after Shloshem (30 days) have elapsed. To accomplish this they purchase their monument immediately after the Shivah period. At the present time, custom seems to be divided between the two practices. Unveilings are held during periods that are most convenient, taking into account the weather, the summer vacation periods, expected births, weddings, and bar-mitzvahs, so as not to conflict with these more joyous occasions.
How soon before the unveiling are notices mailed to family and friends?
Cards should be mailed two weeks or ten days before the unveiling. Unveiling cards are furnished by Shastone Memorials.
How is an unveiling ceremony conducted?
The immediate family should be at the site of the grave before the others arrive. They can then be sure that the monument is covered by the unveiling cloth. This cloth is given to the family when they receive the unveiling cards from Shastone Memorials. The family and friends gather around the grave. The rabbi begins with the recitations from the book of psalms (Tillem) and then he follows with the eulogy in English or Yiddish. After this he recites further psalms and ends with the Kaddish prayer in which the sons, brothers, etc. (males) participate. While it is not necessary for women to participate, it is not unlawful. The veil is removed immediately before the recitation of the Kaddish.
Is it customary to have refreshments at the unveiling?
The cemeteries look with extreme disfavor on the custom. Years ago, cemeteries were difficult to reach and transportation was an all day affair. It was therefore, an obligation on the part of the family to see that their friends were fed. At the end of the day the cemetery had the appearance of unkempt picnic grounds.
Nowadays most people invited to unveilings still expect something to be served, as if by tradition. Brandy may be distributed in miniature paper cups with honey cake or sponge cake cut into small pieces.
Some families prefer to gather at the home of the nearest kin, after the unveiling, where refreshments are served. They depart early so that the bereaved can relax after a day of nervous tension and sorrow.
Is it absolutely necessary for a rabbi to officiate at the unveiling?
While it is not required by religious law, a rabbi is best acquainted with the ritual of an unveiling and the appropriate prayers. In choosing a rabbi it is preferable to choose one who was personally acquainted with the deceased. It would also be wise to choose a rabbi who practices the same type of Judaism as the family or the deceased (Orthodox, Conservative, Reformed).
Is a minyon necessary at an unveiling?
Yes. A minyon consists of ten males over thirteen years of age. Unless a minyon is present the Mourners Kaddish may not be recited.
During what periods are unveilings prohibited?
Since unveilings are solemn occasions they are usually not held when they conflict with the occurrence of a Jewish festival holiday such as the period of Nissen. They are also not held during the Rosh Chodesh period, the occurrence of the new moon. While unveilings are definitely prohibited on high holidays, which usually occur in September (Elul) they may be held between holidays, before and after them due to the solemnity of these holidays. Most unveilings that should occur in July and August, are postponed until that period.
What is the significance of an unveiling cloth over the monument?
In early times it was the family who physically erected the monument to its loved ones. The monument might have been a pile of boulders surmounted by a crudely lettered slab of stone bearing the name of the deceased. All the kin participated and witnessed their completed handiwork together. In present society it became necessary to delegate this task to others and dedicate the monument on a day convenient to family and friends. It is desirable that their tribute to the deceased's memory be revealed by the removal of the veil or covering, simultaneously to all, and that its full significance be adequately interpreted by the rabbi in his eulogy.
What is a yahrzeit?
Yahrzeit means anniversary (yarh-year plus zeit-time). The anniversary is remembered by lighting a candle or oil lamp the evening before the yahrzeit date. The date is determined by the Hebrew calendar date and will differ radically from the English calendar date. For this reason it is wise to procure a yahrzeit calendar for the home or office. Wallet size calendars are also available.
The light represents the soul of the human being. Among the Chasidim, the yahrzeit anniversary is an important ritual.
What are the rules of Yahrzeit?
Following are the rules for Yahrzeit:
1. It is in the same (Hebrew) month in which the death occurs.
2. If death took place the last day of the month (the 30th) which is Roch Chodesh, or the first day of the following month or on leap year (which has 29 days) then the yahrzeit is held on the 29th day.
3. If the death occurs in the Hebrew month of Adar on a leap year, when there are two Adar months, the yahrzeit is kept both times to avoid confusion.
4. When the exact day of the death is uncertain, one may choose a day close to what the day seems to be and hold that day as yahrzeit from then on.
5. The light should be kindled on the eve of yahrzeit day (the evening of the day before).
6. Because of the solemnity of the day one should avoid any joyous participation or festivity.
7. Any member of the family may light the yahrzeit lamp.
If the yahrzeit is overlooked, how can the oversight be remedied?
The oversight may be remedied by immediately lighting the yahrzeit and making the proper prayers.
If the yahrzeit occurs during the winter when should the unveiling be held?
If the yahrzeit falls in December, January, or February it is advisable to postpone the unveiling for more favorable weather in April or May. This delay is permissible because of inclement weather. Actually, it would have been wiser to unveil the monument during the preceding November or December.
How does one commemorate a yahrzeit in a synagogue?
You would attend the Sabbath service prior to the yahrzeit and be called to the Sefer Torah for an Aliyah. On the day of the yahrzeit, Kaddish should be said in the synagogue and a Kiddish of liquor and cake might be ordered for the minyan.
